The Joys and Perils of Summer

Summer. The kids are out of school. Alpha Pants is out of school. My family has returned to me! No more long lonely days in the crate. Lots of playing, running, and circus ball (My skilz are "juice"! I can now push the basketball back to the kids in a straight line using only my head). I have recently lost 5 pounds and the vet says I look fantastic. How does the vet know how svelte I am looking, you may wonder? We had a short yet enormously humiliating visit today. I had hoped that you had all forgotten my bathroom blunder with the fire ants. Embarrassing and painful. Well, apparently Alpha Pants needs to get her exterminator back over here. I have been suffering from the hugest, most painful spider bite on my....well, you guessed it. This back yard situation cannot possibly become more denigrating. If this was happening to a PERSON, I can gar-un-tee that it would quickly be rectified. But as I am only a canine, I just get laughed at and stuck in my cage to sleep off the benadryl shot.

Well, eat your hearts out. I bet alot of you poor working folks would love to get in bed and sleep it off. Now get back to work.

Helloooo there, sunshine!

Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke

Spring! Intoxicating. Boundless energy. A nose full of fresh dirt...dead grass letting go its grip on earth to make way for newborn tendrils...a thought one comforts oneself with when seeing the detritus of winter spread throughout the house. (Alpha Pants: I've swept this kitchen twice since this morning! Quit letting the dog out!) Rich black mulch, yellow Texas roses, and happy Coreopsis cheerfully waving at passersby. I can't stop looking out the window at SPRING.

“Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

A prescription for joy: buy an Ipod. Download songs that make you happy. Explore new music. Make playlists for each mood...then sit back and enjoy. A life without music is....like a life without spring!


It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"”
Winnie the Pooh

Spring break: when my family is home, and there is more time to enjoy friends. The beautiful days make political and moral discussions too heavy. Wandering through flower gardens, sipping on Starbucks, saying little, enjoying each other.

At least, that's how I imagine it. I am home, in the dining room window, waiting for her to come back...

One of the many lessons one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be. Oscar Wilde

I cannot decide if I like that quote or not. Part of me believes in mans/dogs ability to change their future by hard work and determination. However, I have also seen first-hand that sometimes, no matter what you do, things is what they is.

I speak whereof I know. From prison. Or imprisonment. Apparently my appetite for all things lipgloss was a breach of unspoken law. As was the devouring of an ink pen on the couch. And rearranging certain things in certain messy bedrooms. Regardless, I now have ample time for ruminating. And here are some of my "noticings":

Would the truly repentent Tiger Woods please step forward? Hello? Hello?

Hey, Glenn Beck, King Midas called and he wants his Golden Touch back.

Michael Jackson is still dead and no number of nominations for any awards will bring him back to life.

Let me make myself perfectly clear, Mr. President--America does not want your health care plan.

Would Adam Lambert PLEASE go back in the closet--I can't take anymore of the freakshows on Idol.

And finally....wait, is Obama still president? See? Sometimes, things are what they are. And in spite of that, we are still plugging along.

Some of us more freely than others.

Samplings of my life...

A person should never state that they are bored. If they do, there are two probable issues. One, that person does not have enough work to do. Two, that person is tragically devoid of imagination. For instance, I spend 9 long hours a day alone. In a house. That is lacking proper supervision. I busy myself by chasing off real and imagined passersby. I sleep. And I discover ways to torment those I live with.

One day, it was going to freeze. Alpha Pants brought in three luscious potted plants to protect them from the elements. I busied myself in "dead-heading" them and pruning them all day. I made sure to leave my evidence deposited throughout the house, so that Alpha Pants would not have to come home from work and think, "Whatever shall I do with my evening?"

Another day, I discovered a bedroom door left open. I will plead the fifth on what occurred, but I can report that 17 Webkinz stuffed animals were left in a trail from the entryway, through the living room, up the stairs, and throughout the game room for the children's picking-up pleasure. I have enjoyed listening to many conversations on what I could possibly have been up to.

They will never know.

Unfortunately, Alpha Pants children are quite good at amusing themselves as well. They have recently discovered their own form of "payback" for my household activities. The humiliating image accompanying this post is all the explanation you need.

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

If you're looking for trouble
You came to the right place
If you're looking for trouble
Just look right in my face
(Elvis Presley's "Trouble")

I would say I didn't do it, but I can't hide the evidence. It's stuck all over my white fur. I could blame it on the fact that it was left out in the open, but it wasn't. I dug it out of a pile of clothes. Then ripped it open, chewed it, rolled in it (I must have--it's all over me AND stuck to the carpet). I completely enjoyed it. I am not repentent. I am a dog. (Hey, Tiger Woods, there's one for you to try out!!)

I can only hope my family learned a valuable lesson. A fool and her gum (all 20 pieces) are soon parted. You can't hide it well enough. You can't discipline me enough. You can only shut the door and hope my overly intelligent terrier brain doesn't figure out how to turn doorknobs.

I could continue writing about the expense of big city, Sunday afternoon emergency vet clinics, but I won't. Humans have great inferring skills. What I will share with you is that Xylitol, which is found in sugar-free gum, can be deadly to dogs. I'm not an average dog. I didn't eat any Xylitol-laced gum. Which is great, because Alpha Pants says she would have gone all "death panel" health care on me. Whatever.

Gum is awesome.

Do you see what I see?

A snowflake is one of God's most fragile creations, but look what they can do when they stick together! ~Author Unknown

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. ~Clyde Moore

Winter came down to our home one night...Quietly pirouetting in on silvery-toed slippers of snow,And we, we were children once again.~Bill Morgan, Jr.

Little Guy Packs a Big Punch

It is very difficult to write this post given the amount of discomfort I am in. Not to mention the humiliation I am feeling. Two words for you: burn, itch. Here's two more: fire, ant. Got it?

I was completing a private job in the backyard, which is never private enough for us canines, if you know what I mean. Either we're being stared at, shouted at to hurry up, or having crass comments made about what we are doing. Anyway, I was doing my business when I felt sudden, repeating stabs of pain. If I were Alpha Pants, I would have screamed obscenities. But I am only Brady, and I was rendered voiceless with the combination of pain and my hideous fear of insects.

I tore madly around the yard, trying to escape the agony. My idiot owners thought I was playing a game, and laughed at me. When I came into the house, I did everything I could to communicate my need for assistance, besides standing up on my hind two feet, pointing at my belly with a paw, and demanding immediate intervention. Instead, they followed me around, commenting and giggling on how silly and adorable I was. FAIL!!! FAIL!!!! FAIL!!!!!

To make a long and probably useless story short, Alpha Pants finally decided to see if something was wrong with my rear end (as if!), and discovered that I was literally CRAWLING with fire ants in my nether regions. Things swiftly turned in my favor as three genuinely repentent humans scrabbled through my fur, braving fire ant bites and removed many of the evil critters from me. But the damage was done. My poor belly is speckled with red, swollen bites that will itch, burn, and discomfort me for days.

My closing advice: look before you squat.