Leader of the Pack

As previously mentioned, I am on a mission to get my beloved owners out of the house and out having fun. So I am now the personal trainer for my owner. I have been walking her in the morning and in the evening, which has been great for her! However, yesterday we went too far and she panicked. You should have seen her frantically googling articles on how far to walk with a dog (all this at 10 p.m., and if you know my owner, you know how remarkable that is!). While she was doing this, I was laying spread out on the daybed behind her, pretending to be near death with exhaustion, all the while smirking at her back.

It's her fault, really. You see, recently I have allowed myself to become, well, more myself, if that makes any sense. Doesn't everyone do that in a relationship as it strengthens and lengthens? Well, she has rudely began to say the word "terrier" as if it were profanity. At first I chose to accept it as a compliment, but that soon grew old. Then to my utter horror, she began compulsively watching episodes of "The Dog Whisperer" on National Geographic.

Cesar Milan doesn't do much "whispering", if you ask me. He does a lot of Alpha Dog behaviors, like "gently" forcing a dog down at the neck until they show submission. Oh, it works, all right. So there I am, trotting along, taking my owner for her nightly walk. My owner, who henceforth will be referred to as Ms. Alpha Pants, was praising me for all my good behaviors. I was studiously ignoring her.

All I did was head over to introduce myself to two labs. I may have led Ms. Alpha Pants to the wrong conclusion, but at 20 pounds, I feel obliged to make sure I am respected. Well, within a millisecond I was pinned to the sidewalk by the neck. I was not pleased. So I relaxed, tricking Ms. Alpha Pants into thinking I was all submissive. She let me up, and I swear all I did was look back to see if those labs were laughing at me, when BAM! I was back down on the sidewalk. And did I mention this all occurred at the busiest four-way stop in the neighborhood?!! HU MIL I A TING. Needless to say, I don't try to be friendly anymore on walks. Oh no! I humbly follow Alpha Pants' lead and keep to the trail.

So now she is all bragging about needing to show me who the leader of the pack is. Hmpf. Okay, baby, it's on. Just remember that the next time you use the name "terrier" as an epithet. I just want to gently remind all my readers that dogs only allow you to think you are in control.

Problem: Humans doing mundane, human things which divert their attention from the DOG.
Solution: Vomit on the carpet.

And just who is controlling who?